The Fight
It was 3:50 when he pulled out to go eat. Three and a half hours later I called to see when he would be home. I had been in the bed watching Netflix with three dogs but not really wanting to get fully invested in a show because I kept thinking he would be home any minute and we would watch something “we” watch.
It was a funky vibe when he came in. My mood was forced. I attributed his vibe to alcohol and my vibe to eating cereal for supper and wishing my husband had been waiting to see me for a dinner full of shared things we had just experienced with our daughter and family at Christmas the week before. I had already told my mom he and I were going to dinner. (As we had discussed on the Friday before I left)
I felt an immediate sense of aloneness that felt weird. He took off his coat in his closet and left the room. All three dogs followed him. One returned and snuggled back in the bed with me. About an hour late he returned and closed the bedroom door. I asked where the dogs were and he said “I don’t know.” “They followed you,” I said. “They didn’t follow me because I went to the bathroom.” Me, “Yes, they did and only one returned.” Him, “No they didn’t. There’s Coco right there.” Still wondering where Fergie, my puppy Boston Terrier was I grabbed my pillow and started out the door.
Warning: Explicit Language to Follow
Me “I’m not sleeping in here with your drunk ass!”
“I’m not even drunk. You send that passive aggressive text. Show up two hours later than you said.”
My voice becomes high pitched and louder.
Me: “Let the truth be told! You’ve been brooding for hours over a text that did nothing but tell the truth. That you needed alone time. I told you I was going to be late. You said take your time!”
He begins dancing and mocking in a high pitched voice with hand flapping like a boneless chicken being electrocuted. Head flopping left and right repeating me and making weird noises. It was his go to move. Seen it 1000 times. The most unattractive and difficult thing to unsee if you ever want to have sex again with your mate.
“Fuck you!” I scream as I walk off. “Put on your elf suit and do that dance.”
He says “You go see your fucked up mom and come home with a fucked up attitude.”
“Fuck you you MF!” I scream again as I pull out my phone and ask him to repeat what he said for the record so I won’t ever forget. He asks me to repeat myself so I do and he does. I have it all on video for no reason other to look back and be angry.
We sleep in separate rooms. The next day I move my clothes, a coffee pot, an his beer refrigerator from his office to my new separate living quarters just down the hall where I remain today. What was once my daughters closet, is now my food pantry as well. I look around a see that I have everything I need to maintain my sanity for a few weeks without having to even leave the room.
What did I learn?
What could I do differently?
Were my actions saying one thing but my heart wanting another?
I learned that I have no self control. I never say the F word. I don’t use foul language or cuss in regular life. I don’t joke about things that are crude. I am a christian woman who wants to be loving and kind. So why did I get so enraged? I learned that hate, love and disgust are the three my points on my marriage graph.
I could have ignored the comment of “they didn’t follow me because I went to the bathroom’. I could have recognized this as trigger and went to find the dog and gone to bed.
Absolutely my actions were saying one thing. ANGER. So my heart felt nothing.
Discussion:
