Stuck On Repeat

Got up at 3:20 am. Cried. Hated. Loved. Ate. Forgave. Laid down my mental baggage and picked it back up. Dried my tears and now I’m on the computer.

I’ve been stuck on repeat for so long. I have been in a constant state of “recovery” from hurtful words or fights for so long I don’t even remember what it would be like to be happy for six months in a row. I know, it takes two people to argue and fight, so I’m 50 percent of the problem. I’m the fuel to the fire.

I was separated for six weeks from my husband in 2019. He told his friend that “his heart was about ready to check out and that I was poison to my family and anyone that I spent any time with. That I was really just an evil person.” I went back six weeks after he said that. I buried it, but it was still alive and kicking in the grave. Things will stay alive and kicking when there is no apology for hurtful words. I think I could have accepted that he was pissed off and just said something to hurt me IF he had said that.

After every fight in 2020 I would ask myself “if this continues, am I willing to hit the repeat button and continue feeling disgusted with the behavior that is coming out of both of us?” While he was having fun on a New Years Eve trip to Dallas and I was curled up in a ball on the bed in my daughters room, I made a choice. I took a long hot bath (washed off the old skin cells that were stuck on repeat) and made a decision to divorce the love of my life. I “deliberated and calculated” how I would survive on my own at 53. A week later the words spewed from my mouth in another argument.

I will likely never love anyone the way I love that man, but the trade off of me feeling what I am feeling right now is worth it. I’ll take the sadness over madness any day of the week! I will take hurt over hate. I will take criticism from everyone who doesn’t know the situation over criticism from a man that should have kept my heart safe.