When You Ask for a Divorce
I have been married to the same man three times. I asked for a divorce the first week of January, so I am literally an expert on how it feels, because it is my third divorce from this man. Our first divorce was due to excessive fighting that turned into physical altercations. We divorced after 6 months of marriage. That was 1990.
We got back together in 1994. A few months later I found out he was having an affair. It wasn’t physical at first. It was emotional. They spent a lot of time on the phone together. There wasn’t texting back then. The woman’s name was Melissa, and she had a 3 year old named Courtney. The woman had been engaged to marry him, but he left her for me. I remember a package arriving with a pair of silky blue shorts that had been drenched in Escape. To this day I won’t wear that perfume, and when I smell it, sometimes my mind can go right back to that sad 29 year old seeing him tell me that they had belonged to her.
At six months pregnant there was a lot of arguing already. I hated who I was. Looking at receipts, phone bills, smelling clothes in attempts to prove me right or wrong. I felt insane with confusion. I knew they were communicating, but I didn’t know how.
When my baby was six weeks old, I left him after finding stacks of x rated letters from Melissa and finding out he had been flying her to Maryland as well as spending time with her when he was suppose to be “hunting” in Alabama. She was very descriptive in her letters about what she was going to do the next time they were together and all the things she had enjoyed him doing. That was 1995.
Mom picked me up from MD and drove me to Alabama. I mostly cried and slept for weeks. Nothing mattered. Nothing taste good. I only ate for the baby and to stay alive. I hated. I was destroyed. I began to lose weight. My clothes sagged and bagged. I had left Memphis healthy and happy and for the second time I had walked away from my love feeling sick, skinny, and defeated. With the help of a German man I had met in the army, I was able to get an apartment. My ex sent $800 per month. It wasn’t court ordered, he just took care of his baby. He began flying and driving to Alabama every weekend nearly. He had broken off his relationship with Melissa. His words, “The window of opportunity for me and Missy passed and it’s over.”
We decided to give it another try. I can honestly say I only did it for the baby. I would have given up love for peace in 1993, but I didn’t. I was wearing my wedding ring again and we were sleeping together. He stayed with me every time he came to Mobile, and the baby and I would go stay with him. He was doing a job in Savannna, Georgia, when our child was 4. Phone rings around midnight. I answer and have to explain to this woman that she is speaking with his wife. She’s says she is so sorry. He never said he was married. I drove from Savanna to Mobile at midnight swearing to God I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.
Less than a year later the three of us moved to Tuscaloosa, AL. We bought a house 6 months later and begin building a family. That was January 2000.
I think the first thing that goes through your mind is “how will I survive?” You will. “Will my heart ever mend?” Not completely. Unfortunately, as my brother puts it, “its like masking tape. You are stuck together, and when you are separated, a part of you is left with that other person that you can never get back.” Be prepared for utter sadness. For the darkest days of your life. Be prepared for a song to send you into a tailspin. Remedy this by listening to different music. If you shared country with him, move to classic rock, find new artist, classical, jazz. It will get worse before it gets better.
Just keep moving as soon as possible. I have been there when all you wanted to do was sleep. Schedule your day. In 2019, he and I separated for 6 weeks. It was so devastating because it fell during Christmas, so I missed out on everything to do with Christmas. The only thing that really helps, and I am doing it this time as well, is scheduling. It seems odd, but it works. If you have to go to work, then thats a great way to keep yourself occupied, but if you don’t have a physical job outside the home you can do what I did.
Coffee time Drink, read something inspirational, pray, listen to good music. Walk Go for a morning walk. Eat Make something good. Dont just pop a can. Create a meal. It takes time and then time to cleanup. Before you know it, it’s 12:00. Stretch Put on some good music and do some light stretching. Reading Time Reach out to others who have read some good books. Take an hour to submerge yourself into that book. Self Help Get some good perspective through self help books. Friends talk to friends. Schedule dinner or lunch. TV find good shows you look forward to in the EVENING. Facials/Pedicures Anything you can schedule that builds your confidence. Exercise Don’t waller in your misery. Maybe you gave up the best years of your life physically, but not mentally! Your wisdom and ability to help others is still within your power. Begin creating something. Even if it is extremely small and seems pointless.
End the evening with a good meal, a glass of wine, a bubble bath and your TV time. I don’t recommend drinking very much or watching too much tv. Get up and move your body.
When you ask for a divorce you often don’t think through who will be hurt and how? You don’t even really care much about the financial burden in the moment. All you want is to be out. The word divorce is something so many people do because they just don’t see a way out of the pain. I think people that commit suicide in that moment don’t see a way around the pain. There have been reasons why I wanted to say “I want a divorce!” but then six months later I was in complete bliss with the love of my life. There were so many good years, and those are the years I want to remember. There isn’t a more giving man on this planet than the one I married. Don’t jump at every chance to think divorce is the answer. Only you know if it has reached a level that isn’t worth fighting for.
What did I learn?
What could I have done differently?
Did my actions say one thing and my heart wanted something else?
Do you have any advice or comments?
