SaV’s World

I like stepping into SaV’s world. For so long you buy your kids what you “think” they want or need. But when they get own their own and begin doing things their way a new “them” emerges!

In SaV’s apartment a marquee sign hangs on the wall welcoming whoever is visiting. Entering the room to the left is a giant collage of things that make you feel good hot glued in a frame on the wall. A picture of I dream of Jeanie, albums, broken mirrors, vines things that make you stare. The overhead lights all change colors based on the mood. To the right “welcome mom” lights up on the marquee sign. Royal purple curtains drape the walkway, so you can’t enter the room without feeling as if you are stepping onto a stage or into a magical world where a fairy might jump out and land on your shoulder at any moment.

The dining table is a car. The doors are the side frames and it sits under a large portrait of Marilyn Monroe. The lights that have been gently tacked around the frame have 8 settings of various colors to provide you with the mood lighting much needed for all things in SaV World. Every corner comes to life. A hanging trapeze and a tiny doll dangles from the ceiling in one corner and other things hang from other corners! The colors are vibrant and make you want to dance with Indians or dig for a hidden treasure. Tiny dinosaurs roam through the window seal flowers and a blue jelly fish is an odd silhouette against the high rise buildings in the distance downtown Atlanta.

She takes me to restaurants I could never find on my own. We sit at the bar most often and have deep discussions that are always interrupted by the men sitting next to us.. We go from fun loving to clinical responses as they continue to poop our party. Piano bars. Dimly lit dives. Outdoor cafes. Long walks on the Beltline. Outdoor concerts. Trivia nights and Bloody Marys. Private parties at the recording studios. Meeting new and interesting gay men and others that I don’t see in my world. Diversity rules and creates a pallet of color that explodes around her. She can make you cry and laugh in the same sentence. I leave exhausted from staying up late and doing so much, but exhilarated from my time in SaV’s world.

Stuck On Repeat

Got up at 3:20 am. Cried. Hated. Loved. Ate. Forgave. Laid down my mental baggage and picked it back up. Dried my tears and now I’m on the computer.

I’ve been stuck on repeat for so long. I have been in a constant state of “recovery” from hurtful words or fights for so long I don’t even remember what it would be like to be happy for six months in a row. I know, it takes two people to argue and fight, so I’m 50 percent of the problem. I’m the fuel to the fire.

I was separated for six weeks from my husband in 2019. He told his friend that “his heart was about ready to check out and that I was poison to my family and anyone that I spent any time with. That I was really just an evil person.” I went back six weeks after he said that. I buried it, but it was still alive and kicking in the grave. Things will stay alive and kicking when there is no apology for hurtful words. I think I could have accepted that he was pissed off and just said something to hurt me IF he had said that.

After every fight in 2020 I would ask myself “if this continues, am I willing to hit the repeat button and continue feeling disgusted with the behavior that is coming out of both of us?” While he was having fun on a New Years Eve trip to Dallas and I was curled up in a ball on the bed in my daughters room, I made a choice. I took a long hot bath (washed off the old skin cells that were stuck on repeat) and made a decision to divorce the love of my life. I “deliberated and calculated” how I would survive on my own at 53. A week later the words spewed from my mouth in another argument.

I will likely never love anyone the way I love that man, but the trade off of me feeling what I am feeling right now is worth it. I’ll take the sadness over madness any day of the week! I will take hurt over hate. I will take criticism from everyone who doesn’t know the situation over criticism from a man that should have kept my heart safe.

A Trip to Mentone, AL

I have two girlfriends that I meet every year in the mountains. We stay in a cabin and do girl things. The Wild Flower Cafe there is owned by a woman named Moon who spent years living in the mountain woods with no electricity. The food is all natural and an old bearded man walks around and sings to the tables. The waitress speaks with a strong English accent, but she’s never been out of Alabama. She just like the way it sounds. We eat there every January. It is a dry county, but if you want to bring in a bottle of wine, they allow it.

The waterfalls and hiking trails are amazing! At sunset, us women would head to the brow of the mountain with a cup of hot tea and take pictures of the sun hitting the cups just right. We would crowd in for a selfie just as the sun set and the January cold wind cut through our thin Alabama skin. We laugh so hard we cry. We dance around a fire with Prince playing our favorite songs. We pole dance with the front porch column. We roast an entire bag of marshmallows. We make jewelry and exchange gifts. It is a time when problems seem far away as we paint rocks and leave them around the town.

It is a time of healing and a time for us to discuss plans for the year ahead. Our families think we go to gossip, but what they don’t, they don’t know.

We didn’t go this year. Not because of the pandemic. We just didn’t make an effort.

I took my husband last winter. I wanted him to see and feel the beauty and restoration of the mountains and eat at the cafe. I made reservations at a bed and breakfast next to the cafe and booked us a table at the Wildflower for 4:00 pm. We were going to see the town, eat, then head home.

A large breakfast was served in the dining area with the other guest staying at the home, and we checked out at 10:00. It had rained the night before and was foggy. Too foggy to see the beautiful view at 10:00 am. I wanted to walk through the old city area and browse, but he said he didn’t wanna walk in the rain. I said “its not raining its just foggy.” Feels like rain and its too cold. I’ve pretty much seen all of that if thats all it is. (Paraphrasing) Basically said he wasn’t interested.

I started driving towards the waterfalls. I made the comment that I hated it was so foggy right now because its such a beautiful drive! He responded “I’m bout ready to head home.”

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW.

I could not believe what I was hearing. I got emotional saying, you are seriously ready to go home after I made reservations and have talked about this restaurant and this town for 7 years? His loud response: Why do you always want to start something?? You get so emotional like some girl ON THE BACHELOR. (exact words)

I turned the car around and said we are going home.

“No. If you want me to be here lets just stay.” I have never wanted to be anywhere with anyone that doesn’t want to be where I am. I don’t want you there because “I” think its enjoyable.

We decided to stay. The fog burned off within an hour, we hiked through the woods for miles, saw beautiful waterfalls, ate a delicious meal and I sucked up my disgust and buried it deep in my chest. The fun we had did NOT make up for the hours of hurt I felt as I followed him on the trails telling myself why did I bother bringing him into this magical world of Mentone. By the time we made it home, we were alright. Just alright.

Intentional

Day five of waking up and doing my five minute breathing in and declaring peace, hope, love, growth, health and praise to God as I breathe out. Today turned into 20 minutes because, I had barely gotten started with my prayers when the five minutes were up.

It’s easy to get distracted as I pray. I wander into a zone unintentionally, I pull myself back speaking outloud “God you are my focus. Don’t let me go astray”. (physically and mentally)

Not That Bad

Flowers arrived yesterday! I was here alone. Dogs barked and went crazy as the driver pulled up and unloaded the beautiful bouquet and sat them at my door. My heart raced. Did he get me flowers?! Is he making some attempt to say he is sorry for acting like a complete and utter disrespectful jerk? Is there still a slight shred of hope for this person I called husband for 24 years? I opened the card and read. “With deepest sympathy for John Renda”.

I took a picture of the card and sent it to him. Oh, those were suppose to go to the funeral home they mistakenly delivered to my our home address. So and so’s dad died. Plop. Plop. Fizzz. Fizzz.

Oh well. One more day my heart hardens and I begin to realize more and more the man I wanted is not the man I have.

I enjoy a long hard workout and a super great dinner with an old friend. Valentines Day was not that bad after all.

Valentines Day Eve

Another holiday that never lives up to the excitement. Memories of a third grader trying to decide which valentine card should go to who, and hoping that no one would think you liked them as a boyfriend! Trusting that your animal valentines were good for the boys and made you look cool enough. Hoping that maybe someone would ask you to be their valentine or give you something special like the popular girls got. Accidentally offering the cutest guy in the room a piece of candy that says “be mine” and running into the coat closet and not coming out.

Memories of seeing roses and chocolate arrive for college roommates while your smiling with envy. Hearing about plans, trips and dinners for lovers. Listening to “Delilah” on the radio as lovers call in with sappy request for their sweetheart as you drive home from the grocery store with something to cook and cleanup for Valentines Day.

Last year he and I went to Gordo, AL. It was really special. We ate at the only restaurant in Gordo and it was decorated like a high school banquet. We spent the night in our little cabin on 85 acres. We call it the Mac Shack! It was special. We were trying to reconnect after a very rough start to the year.

I’ll be in my room with the dogs tomorrow.

The Hourglass

I have wanted to write for the last few weeks, but my head and heart wouldn’t even let me log in. I have realized since moving out of my bedroom and “up the hall” to another room that my life is definitely out of whack! I kept asking myself How do you refocus. How can I stop repeating in my mind the same stupid phrases, fights or scenarios.

I remember telling my daughter that I just couldn’t figure out what to change She said “EVERYTHING”. That didn’t help at all. I need a script, an outline, a punch list. Where do I start and end?

Over the last few weeks, nothing on tv is interesting to me. Its a time filler. I have begun watching more Bible discussions and group therapy sessions on tv but they aren’t that good. Old friends from the past are calling more, but still I keep trying to figure WHAT is my purpose right now?

This morning was different. I didn’t wake up and look at my phone. I made my coffee and sat in my chair alone in my room. I wanted to set an alarm for five minutes, but I didn’t do it on my phone, because I knew picking up my phone was a potential for distraction. There would be a notification that would pull me in and get me thinking about something random instead of focusing on praising God today.

For five minutes or so I just breathed. I said thank you Jesus. God I give you my life and my pain. My focus. My heart. Forgive my stupidity. Lead me. Guide me. Teach me. Mold me. But in each of those thoughts I just breathed. In those moments I decided I would order a five minute hourglass (and I did. It was only $10.) Every morning after making coffee, I will flip the hourglass and for those five minutes, as sand pours slowly out I will breathe, pray, and praise. As my hours and days slip by like sand though the hourglass, I accept that I am where I am physically and mentally for a season.

What is different now is that before, I would lay in my bed, say some prayers or maybe pray while i’m putting on make up. Making a deliberate choice to flip the hourglass and remain in my alone time with God for five minutes is the first thing I will do to create change in me and my circumstances. No reading, no music, just me hopefully hearing from God.

The Kind of Man…

Our relationship was more than a bad beginning and bad ending. There was so much love and fun in between. He is the kind of man to always tip more than anyone in the building. It is fun to see how excited a waiter can get over $100 more than he was expecting. That’s just who he is. He gives to everyone that needs him. He never expects anything in return from those he helps. We have a long list of people who God put in our path that he made a huge impact on financially.

He is the kind of man that takes you to dinner often. Once a week we would spend time lingering for hours talking over dinner. We had great conversation until we would break into a fight right there in the restaurant.

He is the kind of man that will ride with you on errands or drop you off at the door so you don’t have to walk far. Or, run in with you and end up spending a thousand on something he saw me eyeing. Just before Christmas, I took my wedding ring in to be fixed. He went with me and while we were inside he wanted to get me a gold cross that is beautiful, I wanted him to wait and get it for Christmas. “This is for now. Christmas is later.” That day he bought me the most beautiful gold cross, then looked over and said “I want to get you the garnet one too.” I walked out with two necklaces two weeks before Christmas. We missed celebrating Christmas inn 2019, but when we were ok again he bought me a dry sauna that I use nearly every day.

He is the kind of man that when I said I wanted to start a wedding business he just said “Okay”. I spent $19,000 on a van and wedding inventory and he never said one word about it. He was proud. We enjoyed talking about my new line of work. He is wise in dealing with people and business.

He is the kind of man that will hand me $1000 for no reason and say go shop! He’s done that at least 6 times that I can remember. When I turned 50 he took me to Vegas for a week and gave me $2000 to go shop for a new Vegas wardrobe. He makes a huge deal over birthdays and Christmas. (If we were speaking to each other)

He is the kind of man that has bought me a new car four times. Once while we were waiting in the lobby having my Buick Enclave serviced we walked the lot and I saw a Yukon Denali that really fit what I needed for hauling reception items. We traded the Enclave on the spot. Once I just woke up and saw this beautiful crimson red Chrysler 300 sitting in my driveway. Just like in the movies!

He is the kind of man that let me go on girls trips, work at the beach, visit friends, go to luncheons, pay for mine and their lunches, and loved seeing me happy.

He is the kind of man that would do anything for his family. He worked 60 hours a week for many years to make sure his daughter went to private school. When she wanted to be in a high school zone we weren’t in, we bought a condo close to the school so she would be happy.

He’s the kind of man that let me pick out not one, but two beach condos and purchase them without him ever seeing them. The kind of man that trust me to handle all the bills, finances, investment decisions, household duties and never questioned my integrity. We never argued over money.

The kind of man to buy a van for a handicapped person, or football uniforms for a struggling team. The kind of man that donated monthly to children with special needs.

The most loving man I have known.

Best lover in the world.

We just argued and fought over nothing and when it happened, it was vicious. Bad enough to make me give up on all the good I just wrote about.

The Insanity of Living Down the Hall

Day 38 since I woke up and had coffee with him. That was our thing. Coffee for an hour discussing who we had talked to the day before, updates on news stories and headlines. We had stopped watching the news many many months ago. Everything was so infuriating and seemed to do nothing but incite violence. A few minutes of local news that did nothing but count the dead and dying form Covid-19.

I have a coffee pot in my room now where I wake up and hear him stirring somewhere in the house. His office is next door to where I am living. He is talking business and I am listening to worship music and writing things about him on the computer.

I run to the grocery store and get somethings to throw on the grill. One steak. one potato. One this. One that. I come home he’s in the kitchen. I don’t want to go in kitchen now. I sit everything on the dining table. 30 years I have known this man and now I can’t put the milk in the refrigerator?

I light the grill and bring everything to the balcony. I put Chris Stapleton radio on the speakers and turn it up loud. I grill. I sip my wine. Dogs jump around me as if everything is the same and everything is off. I never noticed how many sad songs Chris Stapleton sings. Suddenly Whiskey Myers comes on. I’m furious. I think about the concert tickets that was planned for April. How would someone that loves you tell another woman “she can be ok or stay home! I got us tickets and we will stay at the beach for week.” While my wife sits at home if she does’t like it.

The song Whiskey M was singing was stupid. I fast forward it. I don’t know one WM song. Wouldn’t be a concert I would enjoy anyway. I like to sing along and dance. Look at me ranting over stupidness even now. LOL!

So today I will move my body, enjoy what God has given me in this life, salvage what I can of my heart in hopes of a peaceful life ahead. I will push out negative thoughts and pull in our love and joy. One foot in front of the other.

I Have An Idea

What if a couple could write down the things that bothered them on a piece of paper and once a week, for one month, they sat down together and discussed things that they wished were different. Things they needed from their partner. Video the session so that they could both look back and see what the other was saying. I know for me, if I get defensive, I will lose track of what is being said and begin to think about my response. Instead of paying a therapist, you would essentially be doing your own therapy!

I wanted to do this with him, but before it got to that point I saw a text message to his friend Kim where they were planning a week long beach trip with concert tickets. She asked him “If Ticia would be ok with it” And his response was. “she will be ok or she can stay home”. That was the one thing that caused my decision to completely give up any and all respect for the man I considered the love of my life.

I think the next man I am with will be totally opposite. I will make sure of that.

Any thoughts?

When You Ask for a Divorce

I have been married to the same man three times. I asked for a divorce the first week of January, so I am literally an expert on how it feels, because it is my third divorce from this man. Our first divorce was due to excessive fighting that turned into physical altercations. We divorced after 6 months of marriage. That was 1990.

We got back together in 1994. A few months later I found out he was having an affair. It wasn’t physical at first. It was emotional. They spent a lot of time on the phone together. There wasn’t texting back then. The woman’s name was Melissa, and she had a 3 year old named Courtney. The woman had been engaged to marry him, but he left her for me. I remember a package arriving with a pair of silky blue shorts that had been drenched in Escape. To this day I won’t wear that perfume, and when I smell it, sometimes my mind can go right back to that sad 29 year old seeing him tell me that they had belonged to her.

At six months pregnant there was a lot of arguing already. I hated who I was. Looking at receipts, phone bills, smelling clothes in attempts to prove me right or wrong. I felt insane with confusion. I knew they were communicating, but I didn’t know how.

When my baby was six weeks old, I left him after finding stacks of x rated letters from Melissa and finding out he had been flying her to Maryland as well as spending time with her when he was suppose to be “hunting” in Alabama. She was very descriptive in her letters about what she was going to do the next time they were together and all the things she had enjoyed him doing. That was 1995.

Mom picked me up from MD and drove me to Alabama. I mostly cried and slept for weeks. Nothing mattered. Nothing taste good. I only ate for the baby and to stay alive. I hated. I was destroyed. I began to lose weight. My clothes sagged and bagged. I had left Memphis healthy and happy and for the second time I had walked away from my love feeling sick, skinny, and defeated. With the help of a German man I had met in the army, I was able to get an apartment. My ex sent $800 per month. It wasn’t court ordered, he just took care of his baby. He began flying and driving to Alabama every weekend nearly. He had broken off his relationship with Melissa. His words, “The window of opportunity for me and Missy passed and it’s over.”

We decided to give it another try. I can honestly say I only did it for the baby. I would have given up love for peace in 1993, but I didn’t. I was wearing my wedding ring again and we were sleeping together. He stayed with me every time he came to Mobile, and the baby and I would go stay with him. He was doing a job in Savannna, Georgia, when our child was 4. Phone rings around midnight. I answer and have to explain to this woman that she is speaking with his wife. She’s says she is so sorry. He never said he was married. I drove from Savanna to Mobile at midnight swearing to God I wouldn't waste another minute on this man.

Less than a year later the three of us moved to Tuscaloosa, AL. We bought a house 6 months later and begin building a family. That was January 2000.

I think the first thing that goes through your mind is “how will I survive?” You will. “Will my heart ever mend?” Not completely. Unfortunately, as my brother puts it, “its like masking tape. You are stuck together, and when you are separated, a part of you is left with that other person that you can never get back.” Be prepared for utter sadness. For the darkest days of your life. Be prepared for a song to send you into a tailspin. Remedy this by listening to different music. If you shared country with him, move to classic rock, find new artist, classical, jazz. It will get worse before it gets better.

Just keep moving as soon as possible. I have been there when all you wanted to do was sleep. Schedule your day. In 2019, he and I separated for 6 weeks. It was so devastating because it fell during Christmas, so I missed out on everything to do with Christmas. The only thing that really helps, and I am doing it this time as well, is scheduling. It seems odd, but it works. If you have to go to work, then thats a great way to keep yourself occupied, but if you don’t have a physical job outside the home you can do what I did.

Coffee time Drink, read something inspirational, pray, listen to good music. Walk Go for a morning walk. Eat Make something good. Dont just pop a can. Create a meal. It takes time and then time to cleanup. Before you know it, it’s 12:00. Stretch Put on some good music and do some light stretching. Reading Time Reach out to others who have read some good books. Take an hour to submerge yourself into that book. Self Help Get some good perspective through self help books. Friends talk to friends. Schedule dinner or lunch. TV find good shows you look forward to in the EVENING. Facials/Pedicures Anything you can schedule that builds your confidence. Exercise Don’t waller in your misery. Maybe you gave up the best years of your life physically, but not mentally! Your wisdom and ability to help others is still within your power. Begin creating something. Even if it is extremely small and seems pointless.

End the evening with a good meal, a glass of wine, a bubble bath and your TV time. I don’t recommend drinking very much or watching too much tv. Get up and move your body.

When you ask for a divorce you often don’t think through who will be hurt and how? You don’t even really care much about the financial burden in the moment. All you want is to be out. The word divorce is something so many people do because they just don’t see a way out of the pain. I think people that commit suicide in that moment don’t see a way around the pain. There have been reasons why I wanted to say “I want a divorce!” but then six months later I was in complete bliss with the love of my life. There were so many good years, and those are the years I want to remember. There isn’t a more giving man on this planet than the one I married. Don’t jump at every chance to think divorce is the answer. Only you know if it has reached a level that isn’t worth fighting for.

What did I learn?

What could I have done differently?

Did my actions say one thing and my heart wanted something else?

Do you have any advice or comments?

New Years Eve

I don’t know about you, but New Years Eve has always been a big deal to me. A very special time. It is one of those holidays that are built up in the movies where confetti drops, champagne pops and you get this great big embrace from your partner. You kiss and the fireworks boom! I have had only a few of those in the last 30 years, but mostly during my married life its been either us not speaking, me cooking something, watching tv, or him going to a ballgame (its the Saban Era, so Alabama has had a lot of New Years Eve interferences LOL!) I can remember a couple of parties 20 years ago by our friends Tim and Lea, and once we spent it at the beach. That was so awesome! But other than that, I don’t really remember anything special we have done.

I remember watching a couple at the bar at Brick and Spoon arguing New Years morning 2018. I was sorry for the two of them. I imagined different scenarios that had put them in a foul mood.

In 2013, I looked at his Facebook messenger and saw some woman carrying on with my husband. There was nothing sexual. Just conversation. She was giving him her work number, her home number and her emergency number. His response was “I hope we don’t have an emergency”.

I contacted her and told her I was his wife, and if there was an emergency I would be the one creating it. She responded “OK. Well I’m sure you have heard of me”. No fool. I have not.

The next day he was leaving for a hunting trip. I was in a state of rage at finding the messages and I wish I could tell you what I said to him. However, my body went hot, my veins bulged, my eyesight narrowed to only his face and phone and all I can say is that whatever came out of my mouth would have been foul and manic. He began recording me and said he was sending it to his friend Joey for safe keeping. Like a viper by hand swatted the phone to the floor cracking it. He picked it up and started again. “Look at her!” I grabbed the phone and he grabbed my hand twisting my fingers back, so I let go. I moved out for a few months. New Years Eve I cried that year.

New Years Eve 2019 was the most fun I can remember! Let me give you the set up. He has a friend name Kim Painter. She’s one of those “pick me girls” as my daughter describes it. She loves texting my husband with things that feed his “angry” side. Sometimes she will text him five or six times a day. It’s not every day. Just sporadically. She’s the kind of woman that says “oh Ticia. I love you. You are what is in important to him. Not me” (actual text) Really? Do I need the peanut gallery at 53? Or “Ken and I have always just been there to comfort one another. We’ve both just been through so much”. She spent 5 days with us in 2019. It was torture.. I’ll spare the details for now. That situation deserves its on conversation. Very fake and not someone I enjoy visiting with.

Anyway, she left. I told him about the many annoyances I had experienced and how she was quiet possibly the most unenjoyable person I had been around. A few weeks later, I looked at his phone, and he was already giving dates for the following year for her to come back and and stay with us. I kept it to myself, but I’m infuriated. It’s November and Alabama vs Auburn Iron Bowl game is playing. We are sitting on the couch. I’m drinking wine. He is texting all his buddies including Kim. The wine had me over emotional of course but there had been a huge argument with me and my daughter a few days earlier and life was a little touchy.

I looked at his phone when he went to the restroom and saw she was asking “where is Ticia?” My only thoughts were get my NAME out of your mouth! I said something to him when he returned about she needs to mind her business and funny he had sent her a selfie from Baumhauers early in the day but didn’t send me one. Argument followed. He told me he wished I had never come back from the beach. Within 10 minutes I had my car loaded with my clothes and dog and pulled out headed to Orange Beach, AL, to live in our efficiency unit. There I remained for six weeks. I sent mean messages to him and Kim. I was too mad to stop myself.

There was no family Christmas. I had put up the Christmas decor the week before Thanksgiving, but I would not see them again until January 6 when I came home. I took them down and cried in my closet at the disfunction.

BUT!! During all of this New Years Eve arrived. I called my friend Tammy and my sister, Wendy. I bought us tickets to a concert at the Flora Bama. We all met at Sugar Beach where I was staying and called an uber. We got in the uber and I started singing Shania Twain lets go girls! The driver started playing it.

Flora Bama was shoulder to shoulder, pre-pandemic. The band was playing old music and I new every word to every song nearly. I nudged in between two ladies and it started an argument. I was trying to not pay attention and jut look over the balcony when suddenly I bumped a drink that was left on the bannister and it fell in the girls lap. She jumped and yelled at me a string of things while her boyfriend pulled her away. Security was called and a guy steps up and says “ladies follow me if you want to go to VIP.” VIP?? He escorted us to the small area separated for VIP next to the band. We danced and sang for four hours. The girl hanging over the bannister was still there watching us overhead. The man who had escorted us to VIP was her brother! He thought it was funny. For those four hours I had forgotten about him. I had forgotten about the insaneness of the way he and I act and react. I forgot all pain that is associated with the holidays. I just jumped around and sang.

The countdown began 10, 9, 8, 7. The clock struck midnight and everyone yelled Happy New Year!! I looked around and saw a guy with a beer and a beard. He was about 6 foot tall and weighed around 300 lbs. I yelled HEY! Grabbed his head and kissed him. Then I turned to Tammy and gave her a peck just being silly, but I was happy. My sister said she was uncomfortable with the whole thing and I was out of control. I’m not sure who the man was or where he was from, pretty sure he was only in his 20’s, but if I could do New Years Eve all over again, nothing would change it.

The truth was, he had not done anything wrong other than texting a woman that is no threat at all. But saying he wished I had not come back made me feel disrespected. I took it as permanent and he meant for the weekend. What kept me at the beach for six weeks was the texting and emailing. We sent the most hateful and uncalled for messages back and forth. Emotionally charged nonsense. I even texted Kim and let her know what I thought of her. I still think everything I thought, plus some. I should have worded it differently though. But of all the things I said about him, I didn’t mean 30 percent of it.

December 30, 2020 I received a text message (because we weren’t speaking at all) that said “Headed to Dallas for the game. Be back Sunday” My response, “This is the last New Years Eve I will spend alone.” New Years Eve I bought me a 20 ft camper and made plans to change my lifestyle and make 2021 different. My heart wanted to make things right, but my head said this time feels very different. WE shouldn’t be acting the same way in our 50’s as we did in our 20’s. No growth.

I believe that if there is a person of the opposite sex texting your spouse and it causes you ay type of emotion it should be stopped. Thats just my opinion.

1. What did I learn?

2. What could I change?

3. Did my actions say one thing and my heart wanted another thing?

Again, no self control. I let an annoyance from another situation bleed into what was happening in the present. I also learned that wine makes me whiny sometimes. It stimulates my emotions positively or negatively depending on the situation. I read more into the situation. When he said something about me not coming back from the beach I took it as permanent and not a passing comment.

Understanding not to react while I am not completely stone cold sober. Maybe tell myself this isn’t what it seems. Just relax. Breathe. No texting or emailing when you are angry.

Absolutely my actions said I am angry and my heart was just sad and mad. Mad he was planning her a trip back to my house, mad she was asking about me.

My actions were to make you feel what I am feeling. Betrayal, anger, disgust, lack of respect. There is no winner in this. Words Hurt. Words Kill or Heal a relationship.

Discussion:

The Fight

It was 3:50 when he pulled out to go eat. Three and a half hours later I called to see when he would be home. I had been in the bed watching Netflix with three dogs but not really wanting to get fully invested in a show because I kept thinking he would be home any minute and we would watch something “we” watch.

It was a funky vibe when he came in. My mood was forced. I attributed his vibe to alcohol and my vibe to eating cereal for supper and wishing my husband had been waiting to see me for a dinner full of shared things we had just experienced with our daughter and family at Christmas the week before. I had already told my mom he and I were going to dinner. (As we had discussed on the Friday before I left)

I felt an immediate sense of aloneness that felt weird. He took off his coat in his closet and left the room. All three dogs followed him. One returned and snuggled back in the bed with me. About an hour late he returned and closed the bedroom door. I asked where the dogs were and he said “I don’t know.” “They followed you,” I said. “They didn’t follow me because I went to the bathroom.” Me, “Yes, they did and only one returned.” Him, “No they didn’t. There’s Coco right there.” Still wondering where Fergie, my puppy Boston Terrier was I grabbed my pillow and started out the door.

Warning: Explicit Language to Follow

Me “I’m not sleeping in here with your drunk ass!”

“I’m not even drunk. You send that passive aggressive text. Show up two hours later than you said.”

My voice becomes high pitched and louder.

Me: “Let the truth be told! You’ve been brooding for hours over a text that did nothing but tell the truth. That you needed alone time. I told you I was going to be late. You said take your time!”

He begins dancing and mocking in a high pitched voice with hand flapping like a boneless chicken being electrocuted. Head flopping left and right repeating me and making weird noises. It was his go to move. Seen it 1000 times. The most unattractive and difficult thing to unsee if you ever want to have sex again with your mate.

“Fuck you!” I scream as I walk off. “Put on your elf suit and do that dance.”

He says “You go see your fucked up mom and come home with a fucked up attitude.”

“Fuck you you MF!” I scream again as I pull out my phone and ask him to repeat what he said for the record so I won’t ever forget. He asks me to repeat myself so I do and he does. I have it all on video for no reason other to look back and be angry.

We sleep in separate rooms. The next day I move my clothes, a coffee pot, an his beer refrigerator from his office to my new separate living quarters just down the hall where I remain today. What was once my daughters closet, is now my food pantry as well. I look around a see that I have everything I need to maintain my sanity for a few weeks without having to even leave the room.

1. What did I learn?

2. What could I do differently?

3. Were my actions saying one thing but my heart wanting another?

I learned that I have no self control. I never say the F word. I don’t use foul language or cuss in regular life. I don’t joke about things that are crude. I am a christian woman who wants to be loving and kind. So why did I get so enraged? I learned that hate, love and disgust are the three my points on my marriage graph.

I could have ignored the comment of “they didn’t follow me because I went to the bathroom’. I could have recognized this as trigger and went to find the dog and gone to bed.

Absolutely my actions were saying one thing. ANGER. So my heart felt nothing.

Discussion:

The Phone Call

Driving home from my moms house in Meridian, Ms, after celebrating Christmas 2020, was the night my life took a drastic turn, again! I had texted my husband around noon saying I would be a few hours later than I thought so I would be coming home around 4:00 pm instead of 2:00 pm. Mom and I were enjoying some much needed girl time! He said “take your time”. Ten minutes from home, he called saying he was pulling out out of the driveway going to get something to eat. I was confused and felt so sad. Why would he be leaving as I am one exit away?

He asked me if I wanted him to wait. Everything in me was feeling confused? How would he not wait anyway? Why would he need to ask if I wanted him to wait after 25 years of marriage? Why wouldn’t he have just called ten minutes earlier and said “do you want to go eat with me when you get here?” “YES! I’m starving and have lots to talk about!” Thats not what I said. Funny how just one different conversation could have led me down a different road.

My response was no. Go ahead and do whatever you were headed to do. I didn’t want to “invite myself” along for whatever was so important to pull out as I’m about to pull in. We texted a few times and agreed that I would “meet him” in a little while. But the more I thought about being left, I texted him saying “I think you must need some Ken time if you’re leaving as I’m arriving. I’ll just eat something here.” He said ok

1. What did I learn?

2. How could I have reacted differently?

3. Have you ever been in a conversation where your actions said one thing, but your heart said something different?

I learned that when I feel rejected or hurt, I withdraw. I am unable to communicate things “you should already know” or that seem like common sense issues.

When he said” I’m going to eat and didn’t know if you were hungry. Do you want me to wait?” I could have said “Yes, I am hungry. Just wait.”

My actions said go ahead and I’ll see you later. My head said no way I’m driving to meet a man that couldn’t wait a few minutes to see if I wanted to go eat.

Discussion:

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